"If I do not love, I am nothing..."

So, after talking to friends and having survived some tough situations myself, for some reason I feel compelled to share a journal entry from a few months ago (after I'd just moved and started school) when I was still working through something similar. I'm not sure it will be helpful to anyone, or even interesting, but perhaps putting it out there will help complete the healing process. (And don't worry, I'm much better now... nobody get worried and call my mom or something!) I'm sure I'll regret it later, it's probably way too much information, but oh well! The journal entry follows...

Today was the best day I've had in awhile. It's nice to be around familiar faces that already know me as a three-dimensional person and who love me even if I'm not entertaining or even particularly happy. It's nice to know that people really do care enough to hear what's wrong in my life and don't want me to just put on a happy face. I think one of my biggest flaws is wanting to appear fine and in control. I don't want to be the one who awkwardly brings up how depressed and sad I am; I don't want to be a source of worry and/or pity. Then everyone feels like they didn't do something right and somehow feel responsible which would make me feel worse.

I need to get over this pride issue and admit my faults and struggles to the people who are close to me. But that's who I've been for so long happy, reliable emily. It's hard to change something that's so ingrained, who you used to be. I've felt like a phony in everything: academics, personality and even Christianity at times. It just seems like I should be able to pray my way out or have such strong faith that I can withstand anything. I hate being sad for old reasons, it seems super-pathetic.

I wonder if this happens to everyone when a big change comes. I don't know if this is a test of faith, a sifting, a growing period or a breakdown period! I always hope it will build character and make me strong but what if it doesn't? What if all of my doubts are realized and my life as I know it falls apart? I definitely don't have much confidence in myself at this point but I'm not even sure that it would even be warranted... I'm so mediocre in everything now; I'm lazy and unmotivated. I really hope this is a short phase. However, that's how I felt about the past year and it doesn't seem to be ending in a happily ever after sort of way. Can people have two bad years in a row and still be functional?! I guess I'll find out before too long.

Pity parties and crying about the past gets old quick, I need some determination and pull myself out of what I've dug myself into. I need to put the past...behind and stop worrying about what I can't change. I can't be obsessed with why people treat me the way they do sometimes. I should focus on treating others well and not let these bad experiences turn me away from caring and compassion for others, even if that involves risking
my feelings. I don't want a cold, calloused heart and I feel like if I don't turn this around soon, that that's what I'll become. I couldn't live with that. There are enough angry, bitter people in the world without adding myself to the roster.

I wish I could do something amazingly well and make a difference and/or impact the world in some positive way, but I feel so small and insignificant, unprepared and unable to do so. I think I'm still looking for my place in the world and finding it by yourself can be hard. I'm sure I'll look back at this point of my life in a few years and laugh at how melodramatic I was... I sure hope so! The present always seems so oppressive and the future so clear. It's a shame when you reach what was once the future and it seems like nothing's changed. I guess the lesson there is is that being who I want to be in the future today instead of waiting around for a magical transformation. ("The future is no place to place your better days..." DMB)

Today's the day I forgive, I know I'll never be able to forget, but forgiveness of people in the past as well as myself could be the catalyst for a positive change. I think God can use this past year to make me stronger and do something unexpected and wonderful.

Here's one of my favorite excerpts from The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis about this:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one-- not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safely in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But, in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, unredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."