Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you...

Today was almost like a Friday... I love it when that happens! School started at 10am, and I was done by 1:50pm. I decided that this afternoon would be all about running errands and getting all the "rat killing" done as my mother so colorfully says. One of the more exciting things was that I finally got a new cell phone. (If you are someone who knows me and needs my number, let me know! Stalkers need not apply) It took a lot longer than I was expecting, way over an hour, but at least the guy was nice and I have a really pretty phone!

I also got some new guitar strings because mine are looking and sounding pretty ragged. Luckily strings are much cheaper than cell phones! I've been looking for a place to take guitar lessons and the string peddler at the guitar store happened to mention that they offered lessons. (I guess I just look hopelessly horrible at the guitar). I've never taken lessons at a store before, so I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll probably look around some more before I commit to anything. I really want to take lessons again to make sure that I'm doing things correctly and hopefully they'll be able to teach me some more theory and techniques. Plus I think lessons would give me some direction in my guitar playing. I miss Dan Mitchell! I wish he would move to Fort Worth to be my personal guitar teacher and grandfather figure. If my life had a soundtrack (and I like to believe that it does) then he would definitely be on it. Oh well, another unlikely dream to add to the list!

Everyone in my class today had to do a mock patient interview... which is inevitably awkward. I had an older lady who was really cute and talkative, which was nice because I was nervous. And if you know me at all, you know that I exude awkwardness at all times, but that it's scarily magnified when I'm nervous. What's even worse is that it was recorded and that I was almost late (I'm convinced I have an overexpressed tardy gene). Yikes! The only thing worse than awkwardness live is DVD awkwardness that you can reply over and over again! Well I'd better try to conquer my lazy streak and hit the books. Have a great night kids... and be safe this Halloween holiday, don't eat too much candy.

A quote from Derek Webb that I found interesting:
“I’ve found that often success looks more like failure, riches more like poverty and real life often feels more like death…the Christian life is very literally the process by which we are killed.”

Some fun lyrics, from a song I really like by Damien Rice.

"Cannonball"
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon-

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Pulido's Palooza in Eastland... if you will

So I just got back from my Eastland rendezvous with Melia. Oh man, the joys of driving and of Smalltown, USA all came rushing back! It was so nice to not have to think about all the junk I should be doing, but just enjoying myself and enjoying a wonderful friend I don't see often enough. Plus, we'll have one of those cool stories... well maybe not cool, I guess it'd be cooler if we like flew to New York on a moment's notice... perhaps another adjective would be more appropriate. I'm too tired to search for that appropriate word, however! But maybe it will serve it's storytelling purpose when we're old ladies and our grandkids gasp at how spontaneous we used to be. (I'm sure by then Eastland will be engulfed by the metroplex and it will seem more awe-inspiring!) I love random conversations with friends, especially when you have some history and can remember all the other random talks along the way... it's nice to see how far we've come.

Since I did quite a bit of driving today, I thought I'd comment on my traffic pet peeves. I know it might end up sounding a little bitter, but it's only meant to be satiric/amusing/informative...

1. Do not drive with your brights on, unless there are actually no cars within range and/or if there are really bright street lights directly above you lighting your way, that's a little redundant, not to mention a waste of energy. Let me add some context... There was some Mercedes with their brights blazing on I-20 near Weatherford. I could actually track the car for miles in my rearview, that's how bright they were! Weatherford has tons of signs, all of which were lit up like a Christmas tree... if you can't guide your car by the glow of the Majestic Liquor and Petro signs, perhaps you shouldn't be driving at night... or at all. Then I got to thinking, maybe this person is a member of some Mercedes gang and it just trying to get someone to flash their lights so that they can be part of that urban legend, or something, and get initiated. Not likely. But then I tried to be more realistic... perhaps they forgot they had their brights on. More likely. It's happened to the best of us. Which is why I advocate some sort of device for intercar communication. For example, I could've notified the person that their lights were damaging my retinas, before others were affected and possibly blinded. Another example of how technology could make the world a better place! haha

2. If people are passing you on the right and/or left lanes... you should probably get over. Go with the flow, don't block it up!

3. If you find yourself neck and neck with another car, aka taking up both lanes, how about one of you be the bigger car (metaphorically, of course) and either speed up or slow down. Just a couple of miles per hour would do it!

end of ranting.

On the drive home I got to talk to Becky and my sister on the phone... traveling companions! I heard "Baby's Got Her Bluejeans On" and simply had to call Becky, since her rendition of the classic is my absolute favorite! Plus I got to listen to a random CD I burned awhile ago, but never got around to listening to. Something Corporate definitely has some good stuff, I'd forgotten some of the fab songs they have. You should check them out. I also came to the conclusion that I need to carry around a little tape recorder. I have so many random ideas at random times, some of which might actually be worthwhile for some undetermined purpose... but I'm so scatterbrained I usually don't even remember them. I'm probably not missing much. I think some of the on the road thoughts end up seeming a lot more profound under they hypnosis of the highway, as well as prolonged periods of silence. I think I just like the fact that I have time to think about things and put them in a more coherent order, something I'm definitely lacking in. Plus, people might accuse me of doing a really bad Kevin Nealon impersonation. Wasn't he the one that had the bit about "note to self"? No, wait... it was that other guy... can see his face but can't remember the name. Oh well, I guess that freed up a little storage space in my brain! Please forgive any errors, no editing was done... I'm tired! Here's one of my favorite Corporate songs... "I Woke Up in a Car"


i woke up in new york city
from my sleep behind the wheel
caught a train to poughkeepsie
and time stood still

she wrote me a letter from san diego
to qualify her luck
these flights connect through arizona
but i think i'll stay stuck

so here i am here i am
well i woke up in a car
i traced a way to fall
so i could see the mississippi on her knees
i've never been so lost
i've never felt so much at home
please write my folks and throw away my keys
i woke up in a car
i woke up in a car

i met a girl who kept tattoos for homes
that she had loved
if i were her i'd paint my body
until all my skin was gone

she wrote me a letter as we passed through rockford
she said she won't forget
maybe i do maybe i don't
but i know i haven't yet

so here i am here i am
well i woke up in a car
i traced a way to fall
so i could see the mississippi on her knees
i've never been so lost
i've never felt so much at home
please write my folks and throw away my keys
i woke up in a car
i woke up in a car

and maybe i could live forever
if that ever i had known
that you'd be waiting there whenever i'm alone

but here i am here i am
well i woke up in a car
i traced a way to fall
so i could see the mississippi on her knees
i've never been so lost
i've never felt so much at home
please write my folks and throw away my keys
i woke up in a car i woke up in a car

Halloween came early this year...

So going to Becky's cousin's Halloween party last night was a very enlightening experience and sad all at the same time. It was weird being hit on by strangers, especially when my Halloween costume wasn't very provocative at all... jeans, t-shirt, blazer, oh yeah and a big star over my eye... I was Jem (of Jem and the Rockers cartoon fame)! Becky was a fabulous Frida, I'll have to post a picture when I get them developed. Melissa, Becky's cousin, is an amazing make-up artist. My costume would've been much lamer if she hadn't put some make-up on me!

Anyway, it's funny to listen to people's pick up lines and list of impressive accomplishments for you and/or others around you. Especially a group of guys who were proudest of the fact that they were from Saginaw, aka "the Plano of Tarrant County." It was ridiculous! I felt like I was watching it all from a third party kind of view, like I was part of some sort of social experiment. And it was really disheartening at times. It seemed like most people came there to make themselves feel good, to fill them up with something that was missing, but ended up meeting people just like themselves... and so they just use each other to make themselves feel good for a little while, or use the alcohol to forget about their lives. I can understand the allure of that, but I also see how dangerous that can be and how unhealthy avoiding reality is. It's amazing the things we do to make ourselves feel better and to give ourselves purpose.

I did have a good time talking to people. It was amazing how many people I got to know pretty well just from standing there and listening... people just pour out their stories without much prompting. I wish I could take care of all of them because they were such nice caring people, but I'm not what they need. I almost wish I had a videocamera to capture what they had to say and the underlying things they didn't say... it would make a good Generation X documentary or something! I had a great time and met some really cool people, and I wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought I'd be (most of the time). Plus I met a British guy, Jason, who's supposed to be giving me a list of the all the must-sees of London when Kim and I go in March! I love accents!

I got a chance to debut my first song-writing attempt. I brought my guitar to play it for Becky (and it sort of went with my costume!) but somehow a few other people ended up finding us and listening, which made me nervous! But luckily, they were really nice and didn't throw pumpkins or boo! One guy, Eric, was really encouraging about the whole song-writing thing. I'm glad I got up enough courage to play it because it's really hard to gauge your own stuff. I think that's the allure of being a back-up singer... I should work on trying that out! Anybody need a back-up singer?! One of my favorite moments was singing "Time After Time" and "Breathe" with Eric and Becky and some other random kids who wandered in. It made me realize I need to expand my guitar repertoire!

I did stay up way too late, but I was surpisingly alert after almost everyone left or was asleep. I cleaned up some, played my guitar and then drove home. I love driving on the highway at odd hours of the day/night. I always wonder what all the other people on the road are driving toward or away from, what their circumstance is. I think I've covered every topic in the blog title... I've raved, rambled and talked crazy! I guess that means that this post is complete! I need to get motivated and study, I'm such a slacker!

"If I do not love, I am nothing..."

So, after talking to friends and having survived some tough situations myself, for some reason I feel compelled to share a journal entry from a few months ago (after I'd just moved and started school) when I was still working through something similar. I'm not sure it will be helpful to anyone, or even interesting, but perhaps putting it out there will help complete the healing process. (And don't worry, I'm much better now... nobody get worried and call my mom or something!) I'm sure I'll regret it later, it's probably way too much information, but oh well! The journal entry follows...

Today was the best day I've had in awhile. It's nice to be around familiar faces that already know me as a three-dimensional person and who love me even if I'm not entertaining or even particularly happy. It's nice to know that people really do care enough to hear what's wrong in my life and don't want me to just put on a happy face. I think one of my biggest flaws is wanting to appear fine and in control. I don't want to be the one who awkwardly brings up how depressed and sad I am; I don't want to be a source of worry and/or pity. Then everyone feels like they didn't do something right and somehow feel responsible which would make me feel worse.

I need to get over this pride issue and admit my faults and struggles to the people who are close to me. But that's who I've been for so long happy, reliable emily. It's hard to change something that's so ingrained, who you used to be. I've felt like a phony in everything: academics, personality and even Christianity at times. It just seems like I should be able to pray my way out or have such strong faith that I can withstand anything. I hate being sad for old reasons, it seems super-pathetic.

I wonder if this happens to everyone when a big change comes. I don't know if this is a test of faith, a sifting, a growing period or a breakdown period! I always hope it will build character and make me strong but what if it doesn't? What if all of my doubts are realized and my life as I know it falls apart? I definitely don't have much confidence in myself at this point but I'm not even sure that it would even be warranted... I'm so mediocre in everything now; I'm lazy and unmotivated. I really hope this is a short phase. However, that's how I felt about the past year and it doesn't seem to be ending in a happily ever after sort of way. Can people have two bad years in a row and still be functional?! I guess I'll find out before too long.

Pity parties and crying about the past gets old quick, I need some determination and pull myself out of what I've dug myself into. I need to put the past...behind and stop worrying about what I can't change. I can't be obsessed with why people treat me the way they do sometimes. I should focus on treating others well and not let these bad experiences turn me away from caring and compassion for others, even if that involves risking
my feelings. I don't want a cold, calloused heart and I feel like if I don't turn this around soon, that that's what I'll become. I couldn't live with that. There are enough angry, bitter people in the world without adding myself to the roster.

I wish I could do something amazingly well and make a difference and/or impact the world in some positive way, but I feel so small and insignificant, unprepared and unable to do so. I think I'm still looking for my place in the world and finding it by yourself can be hard. I'm sure I'll look back at this point of my life in a few years and laugh at how melodramatic I was... I sure hope so! The present always seems so oppressive and the future so clear. It's a shame when you reach what was once the future and it seems like nothing's changed. I guess the lesson there is is that being who I want to be in the future today instead of waiting around for a magical transformation. ("The future is no place to place your better days..." DMB)

Today's the day I forgive, I know I'll never be able to forget, but forgiveness of people in the past as well as myself could be the catalyst for a positive change. I think God can use this past year to make me stronger and do something unexpected and wonderful.

Here's one of my favorite excerpts from The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis about this:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one-- not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safely in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But, in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, unredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."

"Blogger" sounds like a derogatory term to me!

Umm... so I guess I've joined the blogging bandwagon. I'm not sure why exactly. It's not as if I need another hobby that distracts me from more important matters... but perhaps it's a good way to keep up with everyone. I feel like I'm cheating by getting to read everyone else's blog diaries, and not really reciprocating. Although, my life is much less exciting and my thoughts much less profound than most other people out there, maybe just the catharsis of writing about my life will be productive in some way. I suppose that's enough for my first post... it's late and I've been playing my guitar and watching VH1 for far too long. Goodnight.